Grateful

I am blessed beyond measure by the people that I'm surrounded with at work. 

Things have been hard recently, well, not that they're ever not hard, but lately things have been incredibly difficult. 

The kids and I are living on the raggedy edge right now, and every. single. day. has been a struggle.  

To put food on the table.

To keep a roof over our head. 

To keep the lights on. 

To put gas in the car.

To pay for daycare. 

And in the midst of all this I have seen the most amazing outpouring of love and care and concern from several of the people that I work with. Some are dear, close friends, and some I only know as acquaintances, but all of them have touched my heart recently. 

We all had our hours cut at work, we are all struggling, but despite all of that they have still reached out to the kids and I and blessed us by bringing over groceries, by giving me money and not taking my 'no' for an answer, by giving me hand-me-downs for the kids, by giving me a hug when I need it, and by simply being there for me. 

These wonderful, sweet people have been God's love letter to me over the past two months and I am filled with nothing but gratitude.  

The Lord's Day

" We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."

- Romans 5:3-5

The Lord's Day

"Do not be afraid, 
for I have ransomed you. 

I have called you by name; 
you are mine. 

When you go through deep waters, 
I will be with you.

When you go through rivers of difficulty, 
you will not drown."
 
Isaiah 43: 1b - 2a

I Have Been to a Custody Court Hearing, Nothing Can Scare Me Ever Again

First of all, on the absolutely highest note ever, the custody case went in my favor.

Thank God.

I don't think that I really knew how much this was scaring me and weighing on me until it was over. The thought of my kids having go all the way to California for every other holiday and three weeks during the Summer made my heart cold in ways that I can't even begin to describe, and that was what I considered to be the best possible outcome. I really thought that it was going to be worse.

It went better than I could ever possibly have hoped. Apparently having the other parent show absolutely zero interest in the court proceedings tends to tilt things in your favor.

Go figure.

So, I have sole custody and visits are to be here in North Carolina. He and I get to decide when and how long any visits would be. Which is amazing. I would love for him to come out here and visit, I think that it would be great for the kids. We'll see what happens this Summer I guess.

On an absolutely hysterical note, there were only three other people in the courtroom besides myself and another girl who happened to have the same lawyer as I did (she was in a similar situation and things went well for her in court too, I was so glad). Anyway, the court session began with role call, and the other people in the room weren't on the roster. One gentleman was there for a traffic violation that had to be handled at another courthouse, he left. The two people left (who also ended up going to another courthouse) were a man and a woman that sat on the opposite side of the room from each other. The judge asked them why they were there, and the woman stood up and said:

"Your honor, we're here on account of I tried to kick his a**, and he was gonna press charges, but we worked things out and he don't wanna press charges no more."

God's honest truth.

At the very least it made for a good ice breaker.

The Lord's Day

"But forget all that -
  it is nothing compared to what I am
       going to do.
  For I am about to do something new.
    See, I have already begun!
       Do you not see it?
  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland."

      ~ Isaiah 44:18-19

The Lord's Day

The desire to survive keeps us at a mediocre level of living.

John Maxwell


"My old self has been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me. So I live in this earthly body by trusting in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

Galatians 2:20

The Lord's Day

"God leads us onward as we journey. He also leads us with care and love as He leads us with purpose and intent."

The Lord's Day

"Turn to me in mercy, as you always do to those who love your name. Steady my footsteps in your word; let no iniquity have dominion over me. Rescue me from those who oppress me, and I will keep your commandments. Let your countenance shine upon your servant and teach me your statutes."

- Psalm 119: 132-135

The Lord's Day

The message at church today was about courage. So, following my pastor's lead, I will quote the eminent philosopher and theologian John Wayne:

"Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway."

- John Wayne

Juxtaposition

jux·ta·po·si·tion [juhk-stuh-puh-zish-uhn]

 –noun

1.an act or instance of placing close together or side by side, esp. for comparison or contrast.

2.the state of being close together or side by side.

I thought this appropriate considering the last two posts I made. Especially because this post seems like such a contradiction coming after this one. I swear it's not. I was in such a dark, dark place that night, and I am still struggling. 

On Sunday, though, God spoke to me with such tenderness and He gave me such peace. What's even more amazing to me was that I wasn't at our regular church. My kids and I decided to go with my parents to their church because we were all going out together as a family afterwards. I was raised Lutheran and my parents attend a traditional Lutheran church, but I personally am a non-denominational Christian and I tend to gravitate towards churches that are contemporary. 

This Sunday, however, I was so moved by the hymns that we sang. In those songs I could hear God whispering to me. But the message was what grabbed my heart. He spoke directly to all of the doubts and fears and insufficiencies that I had been struggling with recently. 

Don't worry Jennifer, when this world is not enough, when you are not enough, when your fears are overwhelming, I am here to catch you. 

When the world speaks scarcity, God is sufficient. When the world tells me to fear, my God gives me peace. When I fall, he is my catcher. When I don't have enough, he provides. Where I cannot, he can and he will because he loves me. 

What peace.

The Lord's Day

"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, 

     and do not return there until they have watered the earth,

making it bring forth and sprout,  

     giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, 

so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; 

     it shall not return to me empty,

but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, 

     and succeed in the thing for which I sent it. 

For you shall go out in joy,  

     and be led back in peace;

the mountains and the hills before you

     shall burst into song,

     and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.

Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;

    instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; 

and it shall be to the LORD for a memorial,

     for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

 

~ Isaiah 55:10-13

 God is good.

Struggling

I'm exhausted. 

I've been up since 4:30 this morning, but it's more than that. This is a mental, emotional, spiritual exhaustion. I'm really not sure how much more of this I can handle, and the hell of it is I don't have any choice. I have to handle it whether I want to or not because it's not just me in this boat. I have two kids getting dragged along through this mess that they didn't ask for, and what kills me is knowing that I did this to them. When things are hard, when my son misses his dad and his cousins, when we don't have enough, when I'm gone because I have to work, I have to live with the fact that my choices have caused this. 

Now I don't mean this in regards to the separation. My husband is at fault for that, and I stand by my decision to leave. 

No, I mean in a broader sense. It was my choice that caused me to get pregnant so young, to marry a boy instead of a man, to bring another child into a marriage that I knew in my heart of hearts was in trouble. It's all these things that I'm guilty of. 

I cherish my children. I will never, ever regret them. But I regret each second of pain and hardship that my selfishness and stupidity has caused them. 

I have screwed up so monumentally that I don't know how I can ever make it okay. I won't say 'right' because I don't think that I can ever make it right. But I hope for okay. I hope for good. My faith tells me that God can bring me out of these ruins that I've pulled down around myself and my children, but everything else in me says otherwise. 

I am trying to cling to God's promises, but it is so hard in the muck and the mire of the everyday. I am filled with so much self-doubt and fear. I'm so far down in this hole that I don't see how I'm ever going to get out. 

The Lord's Day

"Those who live in the shelter of the Most High will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty. This I declare about the Lord: He alone is my refuge, my place of safety; he is my God, and I trust him."

~ Psalm 91:1-2 NLT